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The Neurotic Me & The Wise Me

The Neurotic Me

Sometimes I feel my world is going to collapse. I will not be able to do anything in this life time, achieve anything in this life time. I would just sit gabbing and waste my life. There are times when I feel my time just passes away, without my control over it. A friend calls or a sudden work crops up, it is amazing to look back at the day and see nothing has been achieved during the day. In the earlier times my mother and my grand mother used to actively look into household matters. The spices were freshly ground, the food was well thought out, the family expectations were met etc. When I look at myself today I realize that, I am doing none of that and yet my day is filled with activities and I am tired at the end of the day. Tired at the end of the day literally doing nothing. This fills me with remorse for myself. This remorse transforms into creating excessive activities for myself and my children, where I am just engaged in dropping off or picking them up. At the end of the day I feel yes I am doing a lot and doing it all for my children. A feeling of gratification helps me get through the day.

However if this continues even for a week then I am again filled with a sense of ‘What am I doing with my life?”and I start looking for new work opportunities. And as if the universe is keenly listening to each word of my want, it opens up flood gates of work. Of course I am judicious about the work that I pick, so I take work as per my liking and appetite. As I start to work sometimes I realize, that it is getting too much and it requires me to be away from my family and friends for too long. Then I wonder what is it that I want…may be I just want a break. I would plan a break and in the break I wonder there are so many other things that I want to do. I sit and dream about my own enterprise, a school for children perhaps, or something that would make my life worthwhile on this planet. Writing a book or a series of books, creating a movie…so many thoughts crop up as possible options for a more purposeful life. But no, as soon as the break is over, my neurosis takes over and I am back to my daily grind and supper issues. However because I feel a little neurotic after a break I am ready to go on with life as it was earlier without any change until it is time for another break…

I have come to realize that the Neurotic me is just a part of me. She is a young mother and career woman around 30 years old and has a lot on her plate. Nothing she does is ever enough, she has no time for herself and lives in a constant struggle of achievement and purpose. She has difficulty resting and is scrambling from one place to another. After she has run around and complained about how tired she is, she sits down and rests her head on the study table. As she relaxes her breath becomes slower and rhythmic, a gentle snoring follows as she sleeps in peace for now.
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The Wise Me

As soon as the Neurotic me is off to sleep, the wise me wakes up and takes the mantle…

This constant struggle between the being and doing has manifested itself into the human world since time immemorial…animals don’t seem to go through this struggle…they can just be all the time. They act or do only when required. But humans have ‘higher consciousness’ and supposedly a ‘higher purpose’ so whatever they ‘be’ they can’t just ‘be’ for a long time….their neurosis would take over and they would push themselves to the brink of insanity to ‘do’. They would judge themselves, abuse themselves into ‘doing’…We judge our being all the time…even when we say we are celebrating our ‘being’. Celebrating our being is also ‘doing’ and neurosis is active here. We just keep getting better and better an conning ourselves into saying we are ‘being’ when we are actually waiting for finding out what do we ‘do’…

The real ‘being’ is devoid of explanation, it is devoid of illusion of any creation. Everything that had to be created has been created, nothing awaits your attention. The abundance is there, the life you want to live is there, everything that you wish for exists all ready….but we all are entangled in the illusion of our doing…our creation…our story…The lesson of our being is best learnt from the trees that surround us. They become a witness to our doing in their being.

There is and will be nothing truer than the being of a tree,
Knowing and experiencing that being will truly set you free.

Image Courtesy: http://www.magforwomen.com/

The Cynic in Me is Cynical about being Cynical

Sometimes I feel I write such rubbish, why do I write at all? No one will read what I write ever. Then what is the point in writing? Anyway, I think I write because writing is what I do. There are times when I look around the world and see everything wrong. At that moment I know the cynic in me is alive, like right now. When the cynic wakes up…the world seems like a strange place and I feel like a stranger to myself. My cynic is a tall man around seven feet high, he walks with a little hunch and has a scar on the left side of his face. He looks like a Red Indian. He has brown hair tied behind in a rough knot, and his soft eyes show remorse and regret. He has a loud hoarse voice, which needs to be heard, if you don’t hear him he will speak louder and louder, until he is sure you have heard him. He is in his mid fifties and has knowledge about everything happening around the world. He is angry and sad.

According to him, water that we drink is bad, the food we eat is ostentatious, the seasons are not the same they used to be, little children are being raped, the financial stability of countries and individuals is questionable, cholesterol and sugar are all time high…so on and so forth. The world is a horrible place to live in, he remarks. Nothing seems to be right. People are marketing themselves and their skills just like whores and sitting and judging the whores.

Everything that we know is up for sale including a crash course in soul cleansing. Organizations are milking their people dry for performance and numbers, they are making sure their get into the psyche and soul of each individual do a quick repair for greater performance. Everyone is conning everyone into believing their truth, when there is none. Media can be easily bought and the rich can create their own stories and their own history. The poor on the other hand are busy feeling victimized all the time, they seem to have only time for their sob stories. These sob stories also get bought to make some movies and documentaries, which the poor have no clue about. Rich nations are telling stories that they want to, about themselves and show the poor nations in the light they want to show. Everyone seems to be busy creating their own piece of illusion, sitting inside their own bubble. Sometimes they call this bubble, “Perspective”. Everything has been made so damn complicated, the money is complicated, relationships are complicated, work is complicated. Marriages don’t last. Love doesn’t last. People throw their garbage around. I don’t see a single clean mud ground. People with wolves make them shit all over the place and don’t bother picking up. This is the time a big tsunami should come and end this world, he states as a matter of fact.

When the cynic is alive the dark clouds emerge and a sunlit day has all shades of Grey. That day everything seems pointless and fake. He is like a bully, who stops everything that is happening and questions the purpose of it all, not wanting any answers but knowing that the answer is hopeless.

He rebukes the Gullible me and hurts her badly. She sits and sobs. He yells at the Neurotic me and she runs, scrambles to do something with her time. And after he has made his voice heard, the Cynic sits with his face covered in both his palms and turns into a scared little boy.

His little voice speaks between shivers, I am scared of you, I am scared of the world, I am scared of the future, what is happening to me…he shrieks as his shivers increase. I run to him and hold him in my arms…”shh…shh…all will be fine…I am there for you…I love you” I hold him tight and rock him through the night…

Image Courtesy: http://chiasuanchong.com/category/devils-advocate-da/

Creating a Container for Transformation

This blog has emerged through an intense discussion, over coffee, with my dear friend Sushma Sharma, who has an expertise in Complex Adaptive Systems. I am sharing my understanding of creating a container in the following essay. This essay, would be of interest to anyone, who would like to create high performance teams, either in work place or life in general.
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A container, is a space created through, intention. Clarity of intention, will help hold the container, so that it doesn’t fall and shatter. As soon as two people interact, a container is created, this container may either hold business interest or relationship interest. Whatever may be the interest of creating a container, it will always give you a choice to grow. Even if the experience in the container is not pleasant, it is our choice to grow and move up the spiral. From this experience we learn to create better containers, where relationships and people can thrive and grow.

An ideal container would be the one in, which everyones opinions can be voiced, and even when there are disagreements. The voicing is not easy. In a container people may have several opinions and thoughts, but if the creator/ leader of the container, doesn’t give enough space, there won’t be enough voices. This will retard the growth process, and the container will become dysfunctional. This is true for organizations, families, groups, friends etc. Wherever there is not enough space, for voicing opinions, people will say exactly, what you want to hear, until they move to another container. A container holds patterns, or fractals, observing the pattern and being able to appreciate the differences in the pattern, brings out the uniqueness of the container. It also makes the container more, meaningful.

In most of the teams, the need for approval, causes us to seek out people, who approve of our thought processes and ways, we then become a part of a formal or informal group, with like minded people. These ‘like minded’ people end up then creating a container, where conformity is rewarded, and conflicts are not welcome. This is generally in the air and unspoken. Most of these spaces will talk about, how, they are open to negative feedback, but may not have a clue, about how to handle them.

Creating a container, where people can openly speak about, there feelings and inhibitions, without fear of losing a relationship, has to be a part of the intention, with, which, the container is created. In such a container, both the leader and the team grow. Here team members, can freely talk about, what, “doesn’t resonate”, in the moment and create a constructive conflict, which, will then lead to growth. Such a conflict should be welcomed and heightened for maximum, transformation. This is possible only, when we feel, secure and confident, in handling our internal dilemmas, during this confrontation.

Only opening up, and being vulnerable in the moment, sharing our internal world, in that moment, creates equal membership, in spite of differences, in the container. Where both the leader and the team member feel and experience equality. Such a container is truly transformational for all, and this container itself keeps evolving.

Image Courtesy: http://continuumcs.com/wp-content/themes/continuum_cs/images/slideshow/transformation.jpg

The New Age Leadership: What We Must Do Now To Nurture It

I hear several people talking about the new generation wanting more, expecting more. In corporates this shows up when young and talented pool of employees, show more attrition rate, than the older more experienced ones.
So, what is this new generation about? why are they so unstable? If you talk to them they seem to be looking for something, some say it is balance, some say wholesomeness, connect, etc…

When they don’t get what they are looking for, either you see a decline in their performance or they just go and find another job. Some times they may also start on their own, and may find success or not.

What seems missing is good role model for these young leaders. These young kids are smart and see through most of the farce. So if there are only words and no action, they bluntly term it “Corporate bullshit”. Also you will find them challenging every leader and his/ her leadership behaviors. They question and slowly detach, when they realize they are up against a wall.
These new age leaders are not about frill and talk, they are about depth and connection. If they don’t find it in your organisation, you will not be able to retain them. They are about deep sensitive friendships and not leg pulling politics. They are about spontaneous creativity and freshness, not old production processes and conformity. These leaders are not about quantity they are about quality and congruence. They look for transparency and trust. Believe me you, even if the goals are not clear, these leaders through their adaptive powers can make any vision, any dream come true. Only they would test you, they would test your wisdom, your Leadership, to trust you and give you their 100%. If you do not pass their barometer they know how to defy you, how to negotiate and how to put your work into a loop.

These New age leaders are emotional and have a natural spiritual connect, to have them in your organisation means to inject huge amount of energy. This energy can grow your organisation multifold, in the area of innovation, technology, as well as happiness index. But to have these Leaders on board would entail a self growth process for the organisation itself.

Interventions on creating clarity around growth paths, goals, job roles, stakeholders for each goal will have to be implemented. Parallel to this work around building, trust, transparency, emotional connect will have to be done across the organisation. Understanding along with working around employee values and connecting them to organizational values, institutionalizing them is crucial. Creating awareness around silence and pause will become the key in the coming days in every organisation. And when that happens a new organizational structure will emerge, which will be empowering to the New age leadership and will integrate with it. This organizational structure will be a huge container, which will have intrinsic wisdom and spontaneous growth characteristics. This structure will be flexible and natural, it will allow emergence of several new containers within, and expand with their growth. Also this organizational structure would pollinate with other structures to create hybrid structures.

The Language would be of Nature, the language will have Union, Pregnancy, Birthing, Spontaneity, Cycles and Death. In every realm of the organizational structure, seasons would play an important part and with deeper awareness. Deeper connect with self and the planet. This would be the container for the New age leaders to perform and innovate from their depths and feel the sense of belonging. Not everything will look like bed of roses, pain will be a part of every piece but, it will have more meaning. That is what New age leadership will be all about…an ‘Empowering Meaning’.

If any organisation wants to be relevant after ten years from now…the work has to begin…the ground has to be ploughed for the seeds of New age leadership…

Image Courtesy: http://ecowatch.com/2014/04/10/teach-kids-about-sustainability/

The Importance of Doing Nothing

The phone rings, “Hey! how are you?” “How is life?” “What are you upto?” Busy?”

As soon as I hear this…something inside me says, “Tell you are Busy? and there is so much to do and then quickly disconnect”

So many days I end up not picking up the phone. These are tough questions for me, and disconnected superficial answers don’t interest me. Another question is “What else?” If there is nothing, absolutely nothing to talk about, this question is the saviour depending on who asks it first. So if you are smart you will pick this question immediately after “hello”.

There are sometimes when I am meditating, or completely relaxing, doing nothing, just being and the phone rings, I get paranoid. It is almost like, now you are caught doing nothing, you got to be doing something. If the pressure of doing something makes me pick the phone, and I muster the courage to say, I was doing nothing, then I open an entirely new Pandora’s box. Then the person on the other side will talk about how that person is busy all the time, and there is so much to do and no time. Goals to be achieved, shopping to be done, etc. etc. Leaving me with a tinge on guilt, some pressure to find something to do and restlessness.

Recently I started evaluating this. It started with a self doubt, Is there something wrong with me? am I the only one who has free time. Seems like nobody else does. Slowly this self doubt transformed into self preservation. May be I really am very efficient and end up finishing all my home and office routine in time and even earlier than time. The voices in my head kept discussing, just like a brain storming meeting in a corporate board room with no way forward. The voices kept going round and round. It was three days and I was walking alone on the street. I really had nowhere to go and nothing to do. I had packed off my children to school and my husband to office. I had finished clothes and utensils, it was a no office work day and I was free. I looked at people brisk walking, exercising and running to work. It was only dogs and I who seemed agendaless. My mobile rang and I looked at the number, it did not seem familiar, so I took the call, It was a bank offering loan. I hung up after the caller introduced and kept walking, what would I do with a loan? The sun was getting fiercer so I sat under a tree in a garden and saw squirrels, aimlessly running up and down the trees. As I watched them just being and playing, I realized my condition. My condition was only human. No other being, bird or animal seems to be in a hurry except when they are hungry. There is no busy-ness or no business to tend to. We have created our own ways of keeping busy and then turning them into full time occupations. We become occupied by our own business and have no time to relax. In fact we also term it a taboo if we hear of someone not doing anything. “Doing” is very important,”Having a goal, a purpose” is very important, being in a firefighting situation seems to be the right situation to be in (you are like a Hero), and we end up living a extremely stressful life. We sometimes don’t realize that we are stressed out even when we are on a holiday. While on a holiday we wonder if we have seen what all had to be seen, and whether this was a good deal. Some may spend their entire life making their life’s agenda, some may make an agenda and follow it and some will live forever in self doubt. However, I have observed that relaxation, peace and happiness comes to those who have an open agenda, and don’t drive towards an agenda, they just be and stand in their power. There is something about these people, where everything falls in line…it is almost as if the universe is serving them, every step every moment. These people are more alive and present, they are more available. They have innate acceptance and detachment qualities. I resonate with these agendaless people, in my moments of being. They don’t want to make a call, nor are in a flurry to change the world, they are just being, they listen and connect deeply. They don’t speak until they decide, they seem to be holding a big picture, a big picture, which connects all the dots.

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The Yearning for Work life Balance and What Does it Mean!

In many of my facilitation and coaching sessions, I hear the participants lament about the lack of work-life balance, that they experience. They also constantly talk about how is it completely de-energizing or de-motivating them. Many of them say that, they feel inspired to see the way I balance my work-life. It used to surprise me earlier, but now I understand what they are talking about. I feel, I am clear on my priorities and that just helps me plan my work better, or even say ‘no’ to work that doesn’t interest me. Just by doing this I save enough time for activities that energize me and my family. I feel there are three main aspects at the root of the work-life balance, if you are able to work around these, then work-life balance doesn’t look like an herculean task anymore.

1. What is your long term Goal?

Is there something you aspire to do in the future, some dream that you want to come true? If you haven’t thought of this, then “take a break” to find this purpose. You may go away to a forest, or do some social work, Vipassana or just take a long nap. In Native American Shaman cultures, there is a process that a teenager had to go through, this process was a Visioning challenge. Where the teenager entered a forest and lived there for two or more days all by himself, only on his means, it is said that when he returned, he was transformed and knew what he wanted from life. Similarly in early India the Gurukul provided guidance to the path, which became your Dharma.

2. Is your Goal connected to what you are currently doing?

The connection may be direct or indirect. For e.g: Currently you may be doing a job to earn money, which will help you bring the dream to reality. Or, you might be already working towards the dream. The point here is, how aware are you of your present being related to your Goal or Dream?

If it is not, then you might be facing what I call as “Incongruloma” this word is not in the dictionary, so I will explain. Incongruloma is a confused state of being, where you are not sure, why you are doing, what you are doing? Also the confusion seems to continue to increase like cancer. In this state it seems like things in our life are being driven by someone else and we have no control over our own lives. Mind you this is a illusionary stage and it is easy to get out of it, if you learn to “take a break”or “take a chill pill”. Learn to say “No” to something that is not worth your time and “just stay”.

3. Create a list of things that are important in your life and that make you happy. Both at work place and in your life otherwise. Relive the moments and relish the emotion that you feel in your body. As you will sit quietly relishing all the moments that have given you happiness you will experience “Cheriscity“. Cheriscity is happy electric pulsation through your body, you won’t find this word in the dictionary again. Once you know the feeling of Cheriscity, all you have to do is create more and more of it for yourself and others.

When you follow the above three guidelines, you will observe that your balance will show in your work-life. It is the inner imbalance that makes us feel that our work and life is imbalanced and most of the time there is someone else to blame for it. It could be either our organisation, or our boss, if nothing else, we end up blaming our parents and our government.

We find our balance when we know what is it that we are looking for? It then comes naturally to move in the direction that takes us away from the rat race, which causes “Incongruloma” to finding spaces that create “Cheriscity”.

Image Courtesy: http://www.careerattraction.com/finding-balance-clock-can-improve-career/

The Need of Gender Integration and The Perils of Gender War

The Gender war has been eternal. I am not sure whether we can call this a war, sometimes yes, but the tussle between the genders is more like it. I get to see it everyday in my interactions with my son and daughter. They are two different individuals, with different thought processes, but there is something inherent in them by the virtue of their gender. I have not been able to put my finger on what exactly it is. But it looks like my daughter ends up processing thoughts and dreams inside of her more than my son does. My son seems to be more present to what exists in the moment, whereas my daughter seems to wonder about what could be. Now this could be a simple personality difference between them, as well, but somehow after observing the two genders at home and outside. I have realized that both serve certain functions. Also gender is just the outside, there are many men who are more feminine and gentle than many women, who seem to possess more masculine traits.

I remember a scene from book “A most Dangerous Method” where Sabina Spielrein tells her mentor Carl Jung, there is a woman in every man and a man in every woman. The statement made by her, made me realize that the gender differences exist only as a projection, of what we don’t accept in ourselves. So a Man in a Woman’s world would be someone who is tough, good in numbers, will take responsibility, can earn for the family, can take decisions, will have great financial acumen, good at Maps etc… and other things, that a woman may not be good at, or doesn’t wish to do. On the other side a Man would expect a woman to be gentle, soft spoken, great cook, good teacher, good mother…etc.. stuff that a man would not like to get into. Here the projection may differ from Society to society, family to family and person to person, so not one image would fit all. However through years of conditioning, there are some judgements that we have about both the genders. If a man seems too soft, he must be Gay…if a woman seems different she must be a Lesbian. Then we may suffer from moral judgements around Gay and Lesbian communities. So much of luggage and so many judgements around how a man should be? and how a woman should be? Who creates these wars, of course we do. First we have a war within ourselves our own masculine and feminine, who need awareness, understanding and acceptance and then we project it to the outside world.

When I see extremes it pains my heart. There is female foeticide at one end and feminist rebellion at another end. Both men and women suffer from this extremism. In another blog of mine I had explored role patriarchy in my relationship with my in-laws. Patriarchy has been one of the main causes of the mis-understandings between the Genders. It has always divided one against the other through societal conditioning and hence never allowed complete acceptance. It has not allowed the men to accept the woman in them and the woman to become comfortable with the man in them. The journey to acceptance can be long and arduous but that it what will bring healing in the Man- Woman relationship inside each of us and outside of us. That is when the Shiva and Shakti integrate in us and show us a clear path and clear goal.

Families today are still not looking at integrating and accepting masculine and feminine in themselves and are disintegrating. It is important that this integration becomes a important part of, how we live our lives.
Corporates today can continue to focus on business and not the feminine- masculine integration, but it will all have to change in coming future. For that integration alone will get better team functioning, innovation and new creativity.

Image Courtesy: http://www.glam.social/understanding-men-and-women-why

Do you agree with Deepika Padukone and Vogue?

There has been a lot of controversy over Vogue campaign called #MyChoice. The campaign pushes the idea of making choices as women/individuals and empowering themselves with their choices. The choices include the choice of working or not working, having sex before or after marriage or even out of marriage, producing children or not producing children, wearing whatever suits you. etc. While this campaign is quite accurate, though there are certain debatable things as per the reactions pouring in.

What are your thoughts on it?

The Elite Gone

I was often teased in my school for mispronouncing an English word or making an inappropriate sentence. In the society that I lived, going out of India and speaking polished English were considered important virtues. Although we had Hindi and Sanskrit as languages, they weren’t just as important, everyone would speak crude Hindi and make fun of Sanskrit and it was, ok. Also in our society the children, who moved out of India, actually were the ones, who were considered successful. I might sound a bit cliched but yes that was the perception carried by most. My upbringing taught me certain behaviours, which became patterns in my personality, until the awareness rose. I would enlist some of those behaviours/ feelings;

Making sure I talk in good English most of the time (To a point where It almost became difficult for me to have conversations in Hindi without using English words)
A feeling of Separation from people who did not talk in good English. So not engaging with them deeply.
A feeling of Shame in adopting my cultural or traditional practices. Trying to look and behave in a manner inclined more towards the west.
Feeling shrunk in a board room full of suited men and women. Behaviorally there would be a change in accent or I would mirror the people around, I would end up losing myself. I was always looking for acceptance.
Being internally angry with my family members for not being elite and classy.
Not being able to eat food at corporate parties, and pick only finger food, as I didn’t know what to do with the fork and the knife and where to place it. It was something I tried learning but couldn’t.
The last and the least was, my reaction to successful people. If I was in company of people perceived to be successful, I would feel like i was some outcaste. I would either not interact with them, saying things like “It doesn’t really matter” or if I did interact with them, there would be a Power tussle and rebellion. This would result in bitter interactions, with all such people. It was almost like I was rejecting them, before they could reject me.

In some places and situations my behaviours served me, and brought me to a place, which I considered to be success. But it was mostly on the outside, inside, I was still battling with the native within me. Within me lived a nature child, who didn’t care, about the fork and the knife. It wanted to touch the food feel its texture and relish every morsel with an sensuality unknown to the elite. This child wanted to dip its fingers in the warm colors and paint the house bright, it wanted to fold legs and sit in a corporate board room, wanted to hug a cuddly suited man and stay far from the guy who smelled of tobacco. For this child there was no classification, no language. It was, as it was. I met this child up close and personal, as I grew in my journey towards awareness of who I am. Initially I would be skeptical about letting the child out, its spontaneity was new to me, but I soon realised the deep connection that, this being allowed me with myself. It was unconditioned by several years of colonisation and capitalism. This intuitive, spontaneous being was full of compassion and deep connections, it showed its tears, wounds and joy easily, it was light. As I made friends with this child, I started accepting myself internally and external validation significantly reduced its importance. The elite capitalist and hoarder in me still rises at times and tries to suppress the native nature child, but now I am more aware and listen to its voice keenly at all times. It holds me with compassion and loves me unconditionally, It allows me to love and express myself in ways that were unknown to me. My native being allows me to come home and feel safe, belonged and whole.

My Childhood Days

I was born and raised for first four years of my life in a village called Mandhana, in Kanpur, Uttar Pradesh, in India. My childhood memories are pleasant and connected deeply to the soil and its people. The seasons were an important part of my life then, I remembered the change of seasons by the fruits and food that got made at my grandmother’s home. The smell of drying mango filled the warm summer wind. My visits to the temple for yummy prasad were very frequent, I would visit the temple more than twice a day, just for the prasad. The prasad in turn for me was a magical potion, which would get all my wishes fulfilled. At night I would lie under the sky and watch the patterns made by the stars. We had charpais (beds made of rope and had wooden legs), during those days, the beds would be put down only in the night, and as soon as the sun rose, the beds would be up too. This gave open space for running and doing other household chores like grinding, drying of papad etc. We had no furniture, only old wooden or aluminum trunks. Whole day we would play in the mud or with the farm animals. My favorite place was a huge store room of grains in our house, me and my friends would climb on the grain mountain and slide down, when no one was around. Those years of my life and later the summer vacations spent in my grandmother’s house nourished my soul and made my roots grow strong into the soil.

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