In the Frame of Love

“Love nurtures and helps us to grow into compassionate and loving beings” this is something that we have heard, known for a long time. We look for friends who will accept us for who we are and love us all the same. There is so much love between us or so we believe, but most of us like to stay in a neutral ground. We end up talking about neutral topics, which could also be personal but usually something, which continues to maintain the relationship. We shy away from most crucial conversations, even in close relations. So other than the initial relationship fizz, most relationships end up being maintenance relationships, the high maintenance ones fall of naturally as very few people have time and energy to keep nurturing them. In our daily routine we get so used to the maintenance pattern, that all we end up doing is maintaining. So where is Love?

When someone shares their vulnerability with us, it is so difficult to stay and listen to that person fully, our tendency is to make the person see reason and move on quickly. We are so scared of being in the mush pool. The tendency to judge or give advise is so strongly coded into the maintenance program, that anything outside of neutral is an alarm. Our lack of courage to bring our vulnerability out in a safe space and our lack of courage to stay without judgement of others vulnerability, keeps us away from each other. It keeps us away from expressing love.

I have developed a mid level resilient model, around maintenance. It simply helps maintaining things as they are. If everything fell down my mental model allows me to come back to maintenance. What this mental model does is to keep me from exploring what is outside of this frame. It allows me to stretch to a certain point to the boundaries of the frame, but quickly brings me back. So I would never explore outside the frame, I would judge what is outside this frame, I label it, I may even condemn it, sometimes I may gossip about it, but I will definitely keep away from experiencing it. The conversations that I will have in relationships would be safe conversations and I won’t even know that I am having a safe conversation. This keeps my status quo as it is, it becomes my identity. I need to maintain a certain identity to be in the society and my life goes in making sure that this identity doesn’t crumble. Some of us may choose an rebel identity and keep maintaining the status quo of looking outside the frame, there life will go in making sure that they keep looking outside the frame, that is there ‘frame’.

These frames help us stay where we are and also help us grow into the frame. It is a fallacy to believe that people who stay in the frames can’t grow or love, of course they can within the frame. We also contain our love within the frame just about the right quantity which is required to maintain the dynamic of relationships. If we feel more love towards someone, we share it within the frame so as to not overwhelm the other person. This overwhelming is perceived to threaten the balance of the Frame. This is true not only for love but also other emotions, but Love is something we need the most yet we fear to share it and also accept it. With children it is different they have the ability to love with complete vulnerability, and that evokes us to venture out of our frames and show more of our love. In any relationship tin which you want go beyond the frame of maintenance, intentional expression of love evokes the connection. This helps the relationship to evolve into a more richer and wholesome place, where we can discuss matters of heart, with vulnerability and ease, without fear of judgement.

Love is not neutral it is mushy

The Cynic in Me is Cynical about being Cynical

Sometimes I feel I write such rubbish, why do I write at all? No one will read what I write ever. Then what is the point in writing? Anyway, I think I write because writing is what I do. There are times when I look around the world and see everything wrong. At that moment I know the cynic in me is alive, like right now. When the cynic wakes up…the world seems like a strange place and I feel like a stranger to myself. My cynic is a tall man around seven feet high, he walks with a little hunch and has a scar on the left side of his face. He looks like a Red Indian. He has brown hair tied behind in a rough knot, and his soft eyes show remorse and regret. He has a loud hoarse voice, which needs to be heard, if you don’t hear him he will speak louder and louder, until he is sure you have heard him. He is in his mid fifties and has knowledge about everything happening around the world. He is angry and sad.

According to him, water that we drink is bad, the food we eat is ostentatious, the seasons are not the same they used to be, little children are being raped, the financial stability of countries and individuals is questionable, cholesterol and sugar are all time high…so on and so forth. The world is a horrible place to live in, he remarks. Nothing seems to be right. People are marketing themselves and their skills just like whores and sitting and judging the whores.

Everything that we know is up for sale including a crash course in soul cleansing. Organizations are milking their people dry for performance and numbers, they are making sure their get into the psyche and soul of each individual do a quick repair for greater performance. Everyone is conning everyone into believing their truth, when there is none. Media can be easily bought and the rich can create their own stories and their own history. The poor on the other hand are busy feeling victimized all the time, they seem to have only time for their sob stories. These sob stories also get bought to make some movies and documentaries, which the poor have no clue about. Rich nations are telling stories that they want to, about themselves and show the poor nations in the light they want to show. Everyone seems to be busy creating their own piece of illusion, sitting inside their own bubble. Sometimes they call this bubble, “Perspective”. Everything has been made so damn complicated, the money is complicated, relationships are complicated, work is complicated. Marriages don’t last. Love doesn’t last. People throw their garbage around. I don’t see a single clean mud ground. People with wolves make them shit all over the place and don’t bother picking up. This is the time a big tsunami should come and end this world, he states as a matter of fact.

When the cynic is alive the dark clouds emerge and a sunlit day has all shades of Grey. That day everything seems pointless and fake. He is like a bully, who stops everything that is happening and questions the purpose of it all, not wanting any answers but knowing that the answer is hopeless.

He rebukes the Gullible me and hurts her badly. She sits and sobs. He yells at the Neurotic me and she runs, scrambles to do something with her time. And after he has made his voice heard, the Cynic sits with his face covered in both his palms and turns into a scared little boy.

His little voice speaks between shivers, I am scared of you, I am scared of the world, I am scared of the future, what is happening to me…he shrieks as his shivers increase. I run to him and hold him in my arms…”shh…shh…all will be fine…I am there for you…I love you” I hold him tight and rock him through the night…

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The Need of Gender Integration and The Perils of Gender War

Gender war
The Gender war has been eternal. I am not sure whether we can call this a war, sometimes yes, but the tussle between the genders is more like it. I get to see it everyday in my interactions with my son and daughter. They are two different individuals, with different thought processes, but there is something inherent in them by the virtue of their gender. I have not been able to  put my finger on what exactly it is. But it looks like my daughter ends up processing thoughts and dreams inside of her more than my son does. My son seems to be more present to what exists in the moment, whereas my daughter seems to wonder about what could be. Now this could be a simple personality difference between them, as well, but somehow after observing the two genders at home and outside. I have realized that both serve certain functions. Also gender is just the outside, there are many men who are more feminine and gentle than many women, who seem to possess more masculine traits.

I remember a scene from book “A most Dangerous Method” where Sabina Spielrein tells her mentor Carl Jung, there is a woman in every man and a man in every woman. The statement made by her, made me realize that the gender differences exist only as a projection, of what we don’t accept in ourselves. So a Man in a Woman’s world would be someone who is tough, good in numbers, will take responsibility, can earn for the family, can take decisions, will have great financial acumen, good at Maps etc… and other things, that a woman may not be good at, or doesn’t wish to do. On the other side a Man would expect a woman to be gentle, soft spoken, great cook, good teacher, good mother…etc.. stuff that a man would not like to get into. Here the projection may differ from Society to society, family to family and person to person, so not one image would fit all. However through years of conditioning, there are some judgements that we have about both the genders. If a man seems too soft, he must be Gay…if a woman seems different she must be a Lesbian. Then we may suffer from moral judgements around Gay and Lesbian communities. So much of luggage and so many judgements around how a man should be? and how a woman should be? Who creates these wars, of course we do. First we have a war within ourselves our own masculine and feminine, who need awareness, understanding and acceptance and then we project it to the outside world.

When I see extremes it pains my heart. There is female foeticide at one end and feminist rebellion at another end. Both men and women suffer from this extremism. In another blog of mine I had explored role patriarchy in my relationship with my in-laws. Patriarchy has been one of the main causes of the mis-understandings between the Genders. It has always divided one against the other through societal conditioning and hence never allowed complete acceptance. It has not allowed the men to accept the woman in them and the woman to become comfortable with the man in them. The journey to acceptance can be long and arduous but that it what will bring healing in the Man- Woman relationship inside each of us and outside of us. That is when the Shiva and Shakti integrate in us and show us a clear path and clear goal.

Families today are still not looking at integrating and accepting masculine and feminine in themselves and are disintegrating. It is important that this integration becomes a important part of, how we live our lives.
Corporates today can continue to focus on business and not the feminine- masculine integration, but it will all have to change in coming future. For that integration alone will get better team functioning, innovation and new creativity.

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