In the Frame of Love

“Love nurtures and helps us to grow into compassionate and loving beings” this is something that we have heard, known for a long time. We look for friends who will accept us for who we are and love us all the same. There is so much love between us or so we believe, but most of us like to stay in a neutral ground. We end up talking about neutral topics, which could also be personal but usually something, which continues to maintain the relationship. We shy away from most crucial conversations, even in close relations. So other than the initial relationship fizz, most relationships end up being maintenance relationships, the high maintenance ones fall of naturally as very few people have time and energy to keep nurturing them. In our daily routine we get so used to the maintenance pattern, that all we end up doing is maintaining. So where is Love?

When someone shares their vulnerability with us, it is so difficult to stay and listen to that person fully, our tendency is to make the person see reason and move on quickly. We are so scared of being in the mush pool. The tendency to judge or give advise is so strongly coded into the maintenance program, that anything outside of neutral is an alarm. Our lack of courage to bring our vulnerability out in a safe space and our lack of courage to stay without judgement of others vulnerability, keeps us away from each other. It keeps us away from expressing love.

I have developed a mid level resilient model, around maintenance. It simply helps maintaining things as they are. If everything fell down my mental model allows me to come back to maintenance. What this mental model does is to keep me from exploring what is outside of this frame. It allows me to stretch to a certain point to the boundaries of the frame, but quickly brings me back. So I would never explore outside the frame, I would judge what is outside this frame, I label it, I may even condemn it, sometimes I may gossip about it, but I will definitely keep away from experiencing it. The conversations that I will have in relationships would be safe conversations and I won’t even know that I am having a safe conversation. This keeps my status quo as it is, it becomes my identity. I need to maintain a certain identity to be in the society and my life goes in making sure that this identity doesn’t crumble. Some of us may choose an rebel identity and keep maintaining the status quo of looking outside the frame, there life will go in making sure that they keep looking outside the frame, that is there ‘frame’.

These frames help us stay where we are and also help us grow into the frame. It is a fallacy to believe that people who stay in the frames can’t grow or love, of course they can within the frame. We also contain our love within the frame just about the right quantity which is required to maintain the dynamic of relationships. If we feel more love towards someone, we share it within the frame so as to not overwhelm the other person. This overwhelming is perceived to threaten the balance of the Frame. This is true not only for love but also other emotions, but Love is something we need the most yet we fear to share it and also accept it. With children it is different they have the ability to love with complete vulnerability, and that evokes us to venture out of our frames and show more of our love. In any relationship tin which you want go beyond the frame of maintenance, intentional expression of love evokes the connection. This helps the relationship to evolve into a more richer and wholesome place, where we can discuss matters of heart, with vulnerability and ease, without fear of judgement.

Love is not neutral it is mushy

Love, Hate and Friendship

Love Hate Friendship
The emotion of Love, is one of the first emotions that most of us receive as children. As children we share our emotions freely and express it constantly, sometimes to the distress of our parents. Our parents and society in general don’t know how to deal with our emotions, so we get conditioned into not expressing certain parts of ourselves. It is the expression that nurtures us and provides us a sense of belonging and wellbeing. Love becomes a source of motivation and energy as we grow, and start to experience life, we keep searching and looking for it in all the spaces we touch. But Love in real life is not absolute, it is difficult to appreciate the depth of love without experiencing intensity of hatred. In this journey of love and hate the quest is to find a balance and acceptance of both within ourselves. To say I am full of love but do not experience hatred is like saying, that an object in light can be without a shadow. In this blog I am considering hatred as an shadow of love, but I do not refute that it could be vice versa. The full potential of love can be experienced with the complete experience and acceptance of hatred. Most of us remain in the cusp, not experiencing either of the emotion in its full intensity. Sometimes we are scared of what will manifest if we were to really experience these emotions fully inside of us. So we live in an obscure denial of our own emotions and feelings, safe in superficial conversations, which are easy to deal with. We are constantly searching for a high. We drink, smoke, take drugs to experience a high on life, but once the effect of these extraneous agents has dissipated we are back into the devastating grind of routine. We remain unaware of the fact that acceptance and experience of our emotions fully can give us a natural high that our souls crave for.

The expression of hatred or love towards something or someone attracts attention, unnecessary perspectives and interpretations, which we are not ready to deal with, so there is no authentic expression. We lack confrontational skills and ability to deal with its after effects and we can’t let go. Even in best of friends, we play safe, anything that will attract any attention is kept out of conversations, except when it is about someone else. Someone who is not present. We also don’t discuss, ourselves enough, our feelings, thoughts, observations of self, amongst friends. I don’t want to sound like a boring purist in this context, so yes we all enjoy some gossip and creative bitching, but only that and no sharing of self reflections, kind of takes the awareness out of the friendship. Consciousness of who we are, sharing that consciousness with our friends can make a friendship deeper and more nourishing. Bringing awareness of love, hatred and other emotions that we experience can increase the dimensions of our interactions with our friends. Embracing our friends for who they really are and what they experience can enrich our life and get us to a energy high, that no drink can bring.

In this New year I pray to God to gift me and all my friends

The Courage to face our fears,
The Courage to share our sorrows,
The Courage to ask for love to heal the hurt,
The Courage for compassion to deal with our anger,
The Courage to show our Joy in its full magnificence,
and finally Self-Love.

Image Courtesy: