Food confessions- self disclosure

I have always had a hot and cold relationship with food, I have chosen to be a vegetarian all my life, as I never had any exposure to non-vegetarian food when I was little. As a kid I used to love sweets and was very greedy for them. One night my dad got a box full of sweets and I ate a lot. I was sick and had to be hospitalized after that. I was on drips and kept vomiting. After that I started to hate sweets and would not eat anything sweet. I used to have strange cravings of eating grass and leaves and would fall sick pretty often. My mother was working so there was no one behind me to make me eat, so I used to be pretty much be on my own, and would eat when I wanted to and not when I didn’t. There was a time when my body started to reject food and I started to lose weight. Soon after I was diagnosed with Tuberculosis. The doctors advised a lot of fattening and healthy food to go with the strong drugs. I recovered in a year and became a plump teenager. I did not love food but I ate a lot because otherwise the Tuberculosis had chances of coming back, I needed to maintain a good body weight and immunity. As I grew up I was always on the plumper side. Any slide in my weight and my mom would go berserk, she just loved me plump, it was safe. I got married and had kids, my weight after my second one zoomed to 85 kilos and it was tough to reduce as I didn’t know how? My body resisted any reduction in weight. But after a lot of raised eyebrows at my weight, I followed a resolute exercise regime and became 56 kilos. I continued to be slim and fit for almost four years, but you see I love oily, deep fried, spicy, well made food. I not only like it but also crave for it sometimes, and after I am done with it I love my sweets, a nice bowl of ice-cream, creme brulee, or kheer sums up a happy and fulfilled me.

I have struggled to keep off  so called “unhealthy” food for past three years but without any success. The minute it is in front of me I let down all barriers and indulge without guilt, until I see my waist size. I have expanded from 56 kilos to 65 kilos but I haven’t stopped loving myself and my food. I feel no issues around the way the look, I think i have judged my food and myself based on looks too long. It is just time to relax and indulge. Yesterday a friend called, she was very disturbed, she had been diagnosed with diabetes, that rang a alert bell for me. Thoughts of dieting and exercise overwhelmed me.

I have to walk, I have to exercise, may be I should start yoga. I should get on to a healthy diet. Thoughts, flooded me as I sat stuffing myself with Chinese manchurian and noodles. My god! I have to exercise from tomorrow, so let me relax enough. I have to diet from tomorrow, so let me eat today. The tomorrow that I am waiting for hasn’t come yet. But yes I am relishing my today. Am I spoiling my tomorrow by relishing my today? I am not sure and seriously I am really enjoying my pleasures with food and I am not judging.

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